Stuck In Stowe

While I’m tempted to rise to Tom’s bait and defend the content of my completely free daily newsletter, I’ve already gone #2 in the bathroom today, and I’m all tapped for the type of waste that’s necessary for such an endeavor.

Today, I’m going to write on a topic my reader(s?) have been begging for: nevi.

You might know the phenomena from its more colloquial terms: permanent poo marks, aka potential skin cancer, aka gross epidermal spots, aka moles.

My sister Beth has axed me to write about this topic many, many times, although the number of times she’s asked me still falls short of the number of moles on her body.

A long time ago, Beth counted the moles on the least moley of her arms, and the number was an astounding 56!  I have to wonder what exactly kind of marijuana my parents were smoking when Beth was conceived, but it must have been some hairy stuff.

So moles.

According to this gross website I was looking at that’s all about moles, they grow faster when you pick at them… or it might have been the other way around.

Anyway, just look at this gross picture.

That lady(?) has some seriously poopy looking moles on her neck.  I just wanna take a kleenex and wipe ‘em off.

She won’t ever get married.  Maybe to a blind man with no hands or feet or money.  If you get closer to the picture, you can see the top mole, the alpha mole, kind of crossing its arms in defiance.  The omega mole underneath is just there, showing off its inevitable presence.  Both of those moles, I bet, have cancery tap roots running so deep that if you pulled on it would just unravel this lady like a poorly knit sweater.  Those things are bleeding her dry and putting all of her calories and bloodflow to work making melanin and lumpy flesh folds.  I bet she’s really thin.  Her moles throb and she gets hungry and eats a bunch of dark protein-rich food.  She goes through a pound of beef jerky a day.

Okay, so moles are p. gross, but the worst part about moles is that they can totally go “rogue” like Sarah Palin and kill you.

But they don’t have to kill you.  My message today, is that you don’t have to let the moles win.

By now, most of you are hopefully at least scratching your moles, or maybe frying them in the sun like fat, hapless ants under a magnifying glass.  If just one of you takes a pair of pliers and pulls one of your potentially melanomic moles off and puts it into a baby food jar for “later”, then I feel like my whole existence has been worthwhile.

If just one of you buries a hot match-head into one of your moles and squelches its life, then I’m fully prepared for the bounty of my great reward in the next life.

A life free of the tyranny of moles.

Tags: cancer, melanoma, moles, nevi, Sarah Palin

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 20th, 2010 at 6:34 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.